22 June 2009
i can honestly say that i did not regret attending today's motivational workshop .
Even though its only the first day , its already given me a reality check .
my O Levels are in 4 months time .
and what am i still doing ?
hanging on a thread .
there's a fine line between actually studying ,
and just telling yourself that you will study .
im not ashamed to say that im just telling myself that i will study .
to earn my success , i first gotta learn to accept .
i have to accept the fact that im not doing much to fulfil my dreams .
i have to accept the fact that failure awaits .
i have to accept the fact that i have to do something with my life .
whats my dreams ?
what are my goals ?
my main goal , is to be a man who can support my family and make them happy .
i want to pursue that happiness .
i want to see the proud look on my mother's face saying " thats my son "
i want that .
i want to see my mother happy , thats all .
i dont want her hard work to go down the drain .
i want to take over the family business and manage it well .
to be somebody whom people know is successful , has achieved something , and most importantly to be somebody who is happy .
My mother poured out her life's saving into starting this business .
I've seen how much she's endured to reach her goals .
and my mother is somebody whom i look up to .
i'm not going to let her down .
i know i wont .
friends come and go , some make you some break you .
but i know my family will always be there for me .
Of course i want to get married , have kids
and a wife who loves me .
and i also want to be that husband who can support his family with no worries .
i want to be that person whom my wife can rely on .
a father who would be there for his kids .
i want my children to know what its like to receive love from a father who cares .
i dont want them to grow up not knowing what love from a father feels like .
i want to be the one who makes them happy .
thats all .
my success , is to see the people around me happy ,
knowing i am part of their lives and i mean something to them .
and i'm going to do what it takes to achieve it .
first on my list is my mother .
i want to be that son who calls my mother on the phone telling her i did well for my O levels .
i want to bring back good grades , for her to know that i am gonna be somebody .
for her to know that i am somebody .
Today's workshop made me realise my deepest fear .
Losing the ones i love .
i dont want them apart from me .
to come up to the front of the class ,
and share my feelings with everybody in the workshop
to just let them know that even i have my barriers .
its not wrong to cry , its not .
I came to the front of the class and i cried .
i cried in front of everybody to share what i feel .
maybe im dealing with my own problems ,
but im sure everyone sitting there in that workshop has problems too .
some maybe even worse than mine .
but sharing my story with everyone , has somehow made me realise that i cannot let this barrier paralyze me from achieving success .
instead it should be motivating me .
4 months before my O Levels , right around this time .
i got to know my mother is diagnosed with diabetes .
and her diabetes was at the last stage .
my mother didn't go for an early check up , and it really tears me apart to know that alot is going to change .
Diabetes can bring about serious effects .
i dont feel the need to explain that .
but for my mother being the breadwinner of the family ,
its her who supports the family .
and if anything were to happen to her ,
who am i going to depend on ?
my father ?
im not saying i don't love my father , i do .
its just that i dont feel it from him .
i see my father once a week .
sometimes once every 2 weeks .
and even when i see him , we dont talk .
we dont have father son discussions .
he comes back home late , watches tv and does his own business .
the reason i dont think i can depend on my dad is the fact my dad works for my mother .
and if anything were to happen to my mother , what is my dad going to work as ?
at this age which company would hire somebody with no qualifications ?
i just fear the future and fear the changes .
everytime i try to get my mind straight ,
i keep losing track , knowing my mother is sick .
and the help i can give is limited .
its all up to her .
but that doesnt mean i must stop trying .
i still try to talk to my mother to change her lifestyle .
and at the same time change my lifestyle .
Diabetes is hereditary .
i might even get it if i dont watch my health .
Sometimes its okay to cry ,
to just let out your emotions ,
let everyone know whats holding you back .
and maybe some may be able to help you .
pick you up and keep you going .
but i know ,
success does not come easy ,
i have to work for it .
and i know i have to bear in mind what am i doing it for .
I'm doing it to see my family happy .
-------------------------------------
"